Why We Stay Silent at Work (And What It's Costing Us)
Just under a decade ago, I was lying on my couch, sicker and more exhausted than I'd ever been and feeling like a shell of myself. I even lost my voice. My husband was sending me pictures and videos from my niece Raleigh's second birthday party — a party I was too sick to go to.
I had burned out while serving as the Director of Wellbeing at my company. I'd spent most of my life hiding anything other than the perfectly polished, put-together version of myself, until I just couldn't do it anymore.
I remember thinking:
How did I get here?
Why did I silence myself for so many years?
And why did my body literally have to silence me to get my attention?
I've been on a journey since then to answer those questions. Over the past six years, I've studied why people silence themselves and hold themselves back, at work and in life. And here's something I've learned: most people die with their music still locked up inside of them: ideas they never shared, contributions they never made, dreams they never pursued, questions they didn't ask.
All of us do that in some way. We silence and hesitate and second-guess, and we let fear and self-doubt dictate what we do. And because of that, we end up living with regret, plagued by questions like I wonder, and Why didn't I, and If only…
I know what that's like, because for so much of my life, that is how I showed up. On the surface, I looked highly successful. But behind the scenes, I had silenced and shrunk myself so much that eventually my body literally silenced me. That's what a lot of us do when we're scared: we get quiet, we shrink, because then no one can see what's actually happening.
So here's what I kept wanting to understand. Why do we hold back? Why do we let doubt get in the way? Why do we keep our music locked up inside when we have something to say, something to share, something to contribute?
I've surveyed over 5,000 working professionals to find out, and I've identified three key reasons why we mute ourselves.
1. Internal
The first is internal: the stories we tell ourselves about our capability and worth.Almost 40% of people say this is the way they're holding themselves back.
Here's what it sounds like, verbatim, in the actual responses people shared:
"Still, after 25 years, I'm afraid to be found out that I don't know what I'm doing."
"I fear I'm never good enough, and I'm going to make mistakes."
“I’m not valuable. Everyone else knows better.”
"Minimizing my light, joy, and energy to make others feel comfortable."
"Telling myself I don't have the experience to speak up, since I'm new to the industry."
You feel unqualified, incapable, or not ready. You wrestle with imposter syndrome. You don't think you’re good enough / smart enough / experienced enough, etc. You’re afraid of being found out. So you silence yourself. You shrink. You second-guess. You play small.
2. Relational
The second reason is relational: the ways we go silent to protect others and to preserve connection.
Our greatest need as a human being is not to be authentic. Our deepest need is actually to be in attachment. We have to be in attachment with other people to survive, so we're going to favor anything that keeps us in that position of connection.
We don't want to be a burden or a bother, and we don't want to rock the boat, so we mute ourselves. Here's what this kind of self-silencing sounds like:
"Completely overwhelmed at work, but haven't told my boss yet, because he's daily saying you're crushing it."
“Neglecting those I love.”
"Trying to please others instead of figuring out what I truly want."
"I have ideas for innovation, but I fear I won't be listened to and my ideas will be dismissed, so I don't bring them up at all."
"Letting my partner make me want to hold back."
It might be the department head who, in the meeting, agrees with what's being said, and then goes out into the parking lot and vents to somebody about how much they disagree with whatever just happened.
We're in these situations where we feel like it's not safe to push back, or to ask a question. We think: “I can't lose face. I can’t let them see me struggle or mess up. I can't have somebody judge or reject me. And so I'm going to mute myself.”
3. Structural
And the last reason is structural: the environments that make silence safer than being seen.
This is the only one of the three that has nothing to do with confidence. This one is about psychological safety. There are environments and rooms, whether due to bias or power dynamics or some attribute of our identity, where different people may not have the opportunity, the invitation, or the safe space to speak up, to share, to put their ideas out there, to be seen and to be heard.
Here's what it sounds like:
"Feeling uncomfortable challenging bad leadership."
"Not speaking truth to power at work for fear that leadership will perceive me negatively, or that I could lose my job."
"I don't speak up anymore because I work in a micromanaging environment and feel like I am just going through the motions."
"When I bring stuff up, I get pushed back down and not validated in the concerns or questions that I have.”
“After a while, people stop listening, so you stop talking.”
The fear underneath is real: If I say something, I could face retaliation, or I could be reprimanded. Or it sounds like this: What's the point? Why bother? Does anyone care anyway? And it's this learned helplessness that develops, where there are people who are so capable and so competent, but they don't say anything out of fear of retribution. They simply don’t feel safe to speak up.
The Cost of Silence
So here's the question I want you to consider: What is your silence costing you?
What is it costing your team? What is it costing your organization? What is it costing you in terms of your impact and your influence, and your ability to connect with other people and make them feel supported? What is it costing you physically, mentally, relationally, emotionally?
Every time we silence ourselves when we had something to contribute, we rob the world of the contribution only we can make. We miss out on growing and developing into the best and fullest version of ourselves. At some point, we have to ask ourselves whether the pain of staying the same is worth it, or if it's great enough that we feel compelled to make a change.
So, What Do We Do About It?
Naming the reasons we mute ourselves is only the beginning. The real work is moving through them, and there's a process I've developed for how to do that.
It's called The VOICE Method, a process that takes you from fear and doubt to confidence and courage, from stagnation to momentum, and from stuckness to aliveness. Check out the blog post I wrote about the Voice Method to learn how to put it to work in your own life.
About Rachel Druckenmiller, CSP®
I share The VOICE Method in keynotes and workshops for organizations ready to build cultures where people speak up, say yes, and show up more fully so they come alive at work. If you want to learn more about how I do that with organizations, associations and leadership teams, visit my speaking page.
